Monday, November 3, 2008

One Tree Hill: Countdown to Sex Tape

My speculation is that the script for next week's episode will contain the term "sex tape."

Julian is obviously going to turn out to be a dalliance of Peyton's early, naive and lonely days in LA, and from which dalliance, being the good and sensible girl that she is, swiftly removed herself, but Julian, like that creepy dude in the late lamented and much loved by me show Dirt, had the habit of recording all his dalliances for posterity, and it was very probably the discovery of this custom that caused Peyton to terminate the association, but he of course still has the Tape, but it is not until now that he has any use for it...

The suspension of disbelief requirements of this show are skyrocketing.

First we are supposed to believe that any professional entity would hire a person who not only has a chronic back injury, but takes opiates for it, to go out on a basketball court where he could not only rack up the company's workman's comp rates, but cause injury to other players, incurring further costs, not to mention the loss of the use of said players.

Then we get Lucas, who though he may have made a hot mess of his personal life, has always been the wise and prudent one with the brain, who signs a contract on a pool table at the local bar with a dude who shows up and says he's a producer who will give Lucas $300,000 without even having his agent look it over, much less a lawyer.

So what I think is going to happen is, of course Peyton will be Torn.

Should she come clean, and tell Lucas that the Evil Julian is really a porn producer, and her own indiscretion, and the existence of the Tape, and risk Losing him, or should she keep her mouth shut in the hope that Julian will not throw her under the bus, even though having to watch Lucas' agony as he rails at his agent, and calls in lawyers now that the barn door is open and the horse is out, in a vain struggle to keep his beloved book, the story of his pure and sacred boyhood love, turned into a sleazy porno, which may or may not feature some choice footage of Peyton herself, as if she did not have enough to worry about already...

Dramatic, and it will surely shoot the ratings through the roof, but what Mr Puff and I have really been looking forward to is when Millicent, worried about Gigi, confides in Brooke, who gives her a makeover, which will mostly consist of taking off her glasses and giving her some really classy slutty lingerie, whereupon she will reveal both to Mouth and to us, that she is really a Hottie, and Mouth will fire Gigi, who will either have completed however many episodes she was signed up for, or move on to set her sights on Skills, whom she will try to convince that he should leave Deb because she is so old, maybe even forty, and is thus going to die before long anyway.

We have also been looking forward to learning more about Sam's parentage, and finding out whose long-lost sister she is, but we won't know that until she Reforms and we see with which character she falls in love and develops a deep romance, the consumation of which is repeatedly attempted but always interrupted or prevented at the last minute...

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