Questions We're Not Asking About The Fergie Sting

For some of us, $500K is beyond a lot of money. For some of us, it's more money than we'll earn in our lifetimes, more than anyone we know will earn in their lifetimes.

It's so huge, it might as well be expressed in one of those generic terms for "more money than I can conceive of," like a gazillion, a squillion.

But that's just some of us. For others, $500K is a reasonable price for a nice house, for a year's work, for still others, it's about what they'd expect to spend on a wedding, a piece of jewelry, a vacation, what they'd pay to buy a small company, to educate their children.

For the Queen, $500K is the daily interest earned by some of her holdings.

What am I suggesting? I'm not sure. I'm not really suggesting anything. Just pointing out the fact that $500K has a very different meaning, is a very different amount of money, to the Duchess of York than it is to most of the people reading about the News of The World's Excellent Adventure, and to to some of the people writing about it.

But how much is $500K to Fergie? While the sum would buy a whole new life - a whole new identity - for some of us, exactly how far would $500K get the Duchess of Debt? It's hard to believe that she owes LESS than $500K. So as a one-time lump sum, it's hardly likely that it would even get her out of the red.

Nor is it likely that she would be able to use it to just dump her Princess daughters, get a little strategically placed "work done," and start a whole new life for herself in a small Sri Lankan village, in a cozy little ancient dwelling with 50s-era electric lighting, a big ugly satellite dish in the front yard held together with duct tape and coat hangers, a hand pump in the sink, a household staff consisting of an illiterate 12-year-old, and a passport that says "Agnes Higginbotham."

Are we to conlcude that this was not a one-time result of the Duchess having enjoyed one cocktail too many with her Prozac, but a regular practice, a sort of Royal cottage industry with which she and perhaps also the Duke, have supplemented their incomes? Prince Andrew's annual income starts with around $335K every year from mom, plus revenue from his own business activities from Dubai to Kazakhstan, about which little is known, so we can be pretty sure they didn't conspire to do this one time and split it and both go off to live in a Sri Lankan village. It does not seem like the kind of sum a Great Game playa like Andikins would have much interest in.

And if it were something that they did every 3rd Tuesday, may we not assume that they both have enough sense to vet potential clients at least enough to determine that they are not being paid by News of the World?

That's the thing about $500K. It is a high enough figure so that the price of a private detective is not an unreasonable amount to spend in the obtaining of it, but it is not such a huge sum that either Fergie or Andy are likely to regard as life-changing, worth betting the farm for.

And what happens now? Will Andy evict Fergie from Royal Lodge? How much does she know about those business activities of his? Is she in danger of being considered, like Diana, a "loose cannon" that could potentially jeopardize business activities worth sums that would be considered in the gazillions even by those who pay $500K for homes or weddings?

Where did the idea for the sting operation come from, anyway? Which News of the World employee thought it up, who approved it, funded it? And to what end? To discredit the Duchess of York? Was she, before this, all that "credited?" No pun intended, but hey.

Let's just say that if she were my close and personal friend, I would strongly encourage her to consider the benefits of becoming that new-nosed Agnes Higginbotham, enjoying the roses, fresh air, and promise of long life in the humble safety of her rural Sri Lankan home.

Real Housewives of New York Channel Harold Pinter

I was all set to do a nice little recap of this episode. It looked so promising. Ramona has been in the throes of a major Renewal this whole season, and she has invited the Housewives on a Caribbean getaway to celebrate it.

At first, it was what you'd expect. The girls get tipsy. They bicker. Alex gently tsk-tsks, her role on the show has been reduced to Den Mother, the token grownup. Ramona proudly displays her bikini collection. Bethenny gives everyone little swag bags of beach-appropriate personal care products. This displeases Kelly, who feels it is impersonal. Actually, Bethenny's very existence appears to displease Kelly more by the minute.

Perhaps seduced by visions of reality show fame on a scale like that enjoyed by Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa Giudice, Kelly proclaims that Bethenny is a ho-bag.

Bethenny excuses herself and accompanies the Renewing Ramona, liberally fortified with Pinot Grigio, to the neighboring Hooters boat where the two ladies enjoy some Turtle Time.

Sonja announces that she smells cat pee and retires for the evening.

Meanwhile, back in New York, Jill and The Countess, who did not go on the trip, have dinner. Jill announces that she will go down to the Caribbean and surprise Ramona. The Countess declines to join her.

Kelly takes photos of the girls on the beach. Bethenny cooks dinner, and at some point during the dinner, the spirits of Pinter and Ionesco descend and possess them.

They all mount the loa and are subsumed in a whirling vortex of non-sequiturs, the most intelligible of which is Kelly accusing Alex of being a kabuki-dancing vampire and revealing that she threw up because Bethenny is trying to kill her and went after her girls and Gwyneth Paltrow.

I mean, really. It all just goes down hill from there. They all take turns being Stanley.

Alex and Bethenny try to resist, but only succeed in dissolving in a fit of helpless giggles.

In intermittent flashes of lucidity, all agree that Kelly needs help.

"You couldn't write it," declares Sarah Jessica Parker, who is inexplicably this week's guest on the Aftershow. "Not even the finest actor..." she trails off, and Andy shows us a preview of next week, when Jill will arrive on the island to surprise the Renewing Ramona, and no one will be glad to see her.