I was all set to do a nice little recap of this episode. It looked so promising. Ramona has been in the throes of a major Renewal this whole season, and she has invited the Housewives on a Caribbean getaway to celebrate it.
At first, it was what you'd expect. The girls get tipsy. They bicker. Alex gently tsk-tsks, her role on the show has been reduced to Den Mother, the token grownup. Ramona proudly displays her bikini collection. Bethenny gives everyone little swag bags of beach-appropriate personal care products. This displeases Kelly, who feels it is impersonal. Actually, Bethenny's very existence appears to displease Kelly more by the minute.
Perhaps seduced by visions of reality show fame on a scale like that enjoyed by Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa Giudice, Kelly proclaims that Bethenny is a ho-bag.
Bethenny excuses herself and accompanies the Renewing Ramona, liberally fortified with Pinot Grigio, to the neighboring Hooters boat where the two ladies enjoy some Turtle Time.
Sonja announces that she smells cat pee and retires for the evening.
Meanwhile, back in New York, Jill and The Countess, who did not go on the trip, have dinner. Jill announces that she will go down to the Caribbean and surprise Ramona. The Countess declines to join her.
Kelly takes photos of the girls on the beach. Bethenny cooks dinner, and at some point during the dinner, the spirits of Pinter and Ionesco descend and possess them.
They all mount the loa and are subsumed in a whirling vortex of non-sequiturs, the most intelligible of which is Kelly accusing Alex of being a kabuki-dancing vampire and revealing that she threw up because Bethenny is trying to kill her and went after her girls and Gwyneth Paltrow.
I mean, really. It all just goes down hill from there. They all take turns being Stanley.
Alex and Bethenny try to resist, but only succeed in dissolving in a fit of helpless giggles.
In intermittent flashes of lucidity, all agree that Kelly needs help.
"You couldn't write it," declares Sarah Jessica Parker, who is inexplicably this week's guest on the Aftershow. "Not even the finest actor..." she trails off, and Andy shows us a preview of next week, when Jill will arrive on the island to surprise the Renewing Ramona, and no one will be glad to see her.
Showing posts with label Real Housewives of New York. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Real Housewives of New York. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Real Housewives of New York: An Epic Episode!
Jill fears that a member of her household staff, the little chihuahua dog she employs to deep clean her sinuses with its tiny, prehensile tongue, has a digestive ailment, so she calls a veterinarian to come look at it while she wipes chihuahua dog mistake off her furniture and the paravetic shoes.
The doctor examines the trembling exploited little thing, and declares it to be in good health.
Bethenny goes to Alex's house for lunch. She says that Alex, who has made a quiche, is a relief to her because she is low maintenance and does not have any citrus. While the girls make salad dressing, Bethenny reveals that she is engaged. She says it is hard for her to commit and she will keep her pregnancy a secret for now.
Meanwhile, in the Hamptons, Kelly and her daughter share trying to understand the instructions on a box of pancake mix.
Ramona and her daughter go to a sidewalk cafe for dinner. Avery, the daughter, asks for foccacia with prosciutto, ricotta and truffle oil. It's not on the menu but she wants one. Ramona says that the restaurant is her home away from home. She can't remember the name of what she wants, but thinks it has eggs and may be something like an omelette.
She reveals that she is going through a general renewal process and wants to renew her marriage vows. She wants her daughter to be her maid of honor. The daughter says she would rather just watch, but reluctantly agrees. Ramona says that although Avery is only 14, she has become a woman mentally.
Without warning, the New Jersey Housewives appear and warn the public that menstruating women must not be allowed to make pasta sauce because they will spoil it.
Back in New York, the Countess, with Kelly in tow, is looking at "permits."
(Note: a subsequent viewing with subtitles turned on revealed that she was looking at apartments).
The Countess reveals that she is accustomed to a sophisticated lifestyle after being married for 16 years.
She is surprised by the price point of even small, insufficiently Countess-like downtown apartments in the 7-8K rent range, but Kelly tells her that it is a more fun than the Upper East Side because you can wear a baseball cap, but the Countess says she prefers to be among people who make an effort.
The agent shows her a larger apartment, on Madison Avenue, with a rent of $14,500, but she is displeased because there are so many buildings in the area, some even visible from the windows, and it does not have a doorman.
The Countess' surprise turns to shock and disappointment because she was expecting something else. She feels she is better suited to be uptown.
Jill has written a book with her mother and sisters, called Secrets of a Jewish Mother. They and the sinus-cleaning Chihuahua dog all get in the bed to choose photos to illustrate the book. Jill explains that they are called the Bed Family because they always like to get in the bed and are very cuddly.
Jill's mother Gloria, revealing a sample Secret, warns the public not to wear chiffon on Christmas.
Jill says that her mother has done a good job of giving them that message repeatedly for over forty years.
Meanwhile, back in the Hamptons, Kelly, Sonja, and the Countess have cocktails. Sonja remarks that her friends who take Adderall have lost weight but are very snippy. She would like to lose weight but does not believe that Saggitarians should take Adderall.
Kelly says that Ramona is like that. She is on fire and told her to shut up.
The Countess reveals that she calls Ramona "crazy eyes," and explains that the three of them have a lot of love to give.
Sonja reveals that having regular sex is very important. Kelly says the guys in the stables are all Argentinian and gay. She reveals that she wants to get married and have more babies because she loves kids. The Countess tells her that is because she is a child, the Kelly Child, woo-hoo.
She tries to make the "woo-hoo" a Countess-appropriate version of Real Housewife of Orange County Vicki's signature "Woo-Hoo." Kelly and Sonja stare at her, quiet for a minute.
Sonja says she would like a man that doesn't cheat. "Did your husband cheat on you?" Kelly asks. "Did yours?" retorts Sonja. Kelly confesses that she is not sure why Sonja asked her that, unless maybe she wanted to talk about something that happened to her.
The Countess asks if they have to talk about that. She says she doesn't think she had that problem. Again, Kelly and Sonja stare at her, quiet for a minute.
Sonja confesses that she is sure that the Countess has her share of suitors.
The Countess reveals that Italians are great as lovers, but not to marry, because they want to marry their mothers and grandmothers.
The girls attend a Gotham magazine party for the 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.
Jill reveals that Ramona ruined her Kodak event and she can barely refrain from bitch-slapping her.
The Countess confronts Ramona's husband about calling her "Countless." She speaks to him in halting, high school Italian. She explains that she does not want to air her dirty laundry.
She reveals that she does not think Bethenny's blouse is appropriate.
Bethenny reveals that this is the party where they were all supposed to wear a square of toilet paper, that she doesn't have a top on, and Kelly's vagina and Alex's ass cheeks are hanging out and it like a yard sale of body parts.
Jill tells one of the Eligible Bachelors that if he will stick his tongue down Sonja's throat maybe she will let him sit at her table. "Wow," he murmurs politely.
Bethenny announces her engagement. Jill reveals that it is very awkward because all these things are happening that she and Bethenny talked about laying in bed.
The Countess stifles a yawn.
The doctor examines the trembling exploited little thing, and declares it to be in good health.
Bethenny goes to Alex's house for lunch. She says that Alex, who has made a quiche, is a relief to her because she is low maintenance and does not have any citrus. While the girls make salad dressing, Bethenny reveals that she is engaged. She says it is hard for her to commit and she will keep her pregnancy a secret for now.
Meanwhile, in the Hamptons, Kelly and her daughter share trying to understand the instructions on a box of pancake mix.
Ramona and her daughter go to a sidewalk cafe for dinner. Avery, the daughter, asks for foccacia with prosciutto, ricotta and truffle oil. It's not on the menu but she wants one. Ramona says that the restaurant is her home away from home. She can't remember the name of what she wants, but thinks it has eggs and may be something like an omelette.
She reveals that she is going through a general renewal process and wants to renew her marriage vows. She wants her daughter to be her maid of honor. The daughter says she would rather just watch, but reluctantly agrees. Ramona says that although Avery is only 14, she has become a woman mentally.
Without warning, the New Jersey Housewives appear and warn the public that menstruating women must not be allowed to make pasta sauce because they will spoil it.
Back in New York, the Countess, with Kelly in tow, is looking at "permits."
(Note: a subsequent viewing with subtitles turned on revealed that she was looking at apartments).
The Countess reveals that she is accustomed to a sophisticated lifestyle after being married for 16 years.
She is surprised by the price point of even small, insufficiently Countess-like downtown apartments in the 7-8K rent range, but Kelly tells her that it is a more fun than the Upper East Side because you can wear a baseball cap, but the Countess says she prefers to be among people who make an effort.
The agent shows her a larger apartment, on Madison Avenue, with a rent of $14,500, but she is displeased because there are so many buildings in the area, some even visible from the windows, and it does not have a doorman.
The Countess' surprise turns to shock and disappointment because she was expecting something else. She feels she is better suited to be uptown.
Jill has written a book with her mother and sisters, called Secrets of a Jewish Mother. They and the sinus-cleaning Chihuahua dog all get in the bed to choose photos to illustrate the book. Jill explains that they are called the Bed Family because they always like to get in the bed and are very cuddly.
Jill's mother Gloria, revealing a sample Secret, warns the public not to wear chiffon on Christmas.
Jill says that her mother has done a good job of giving them that message repeatedly for over forty years.
Meanwhile, back in the Hamptons, Kelly, Sonja, and the Countess have cocktails. Sonja remarks that her friends who take Adderall have lost weight but are very snippy. She would like to lose weight but does not believe that Saggitarians should take Adderall.
Kelly says that Ramona is like that. She is on fire and told her to shut up.
The Countess reveals that she calls Ramona "crazy eyes," and explains that the three of them have a lot of love to give.
Sonja reveals that having regular sex is very important. Kelly says the guys in the stables are all Argentinian and gay. She reveals that she wants to get married and have more babies because she loves kids. The Countess tells her that is because she is a child, the Kelly Child, woo-hoo.
She tries to make the "woo-hoo" a Countess-appropriate version of Real Housewife of Orange County Vicki's signature "Woo-Hoo." Kelly and Sonja stare at her, quiet for a minute.
Sonja says she would like a man that doesn't cheat. "Did your husband cheat on you?" Kelly asks. "Did yours?" retorts Sonja. Kelly confesses that she is not sure why Sonja asked her that, unless maybe she wanted to talk about something that happened to her.
The Countess asks if they have to talk about that. She says she doesn't think she had that problem. Again, Kelly and Sonja stare at her, quiet for a minute.
Sonja confesses that she is sure that the Countess has her share of suitors.
The Countess reveals that Italians are great as lovers, but not to marry, because they want to marry their mothers and grandmothers.
The girls attend a Gotham magazine party for the 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.
Jill reveals that Ramona ruined her Kodak event and she can barely refrain from bitch-slapping her.
The Countess confronts Ramona's husband about calling her "Countless." She speaks to him in halting, high school Italian. She explains that she does not want to air her dirty laundry.
She reveals that she does not think Bethenny's blouse is appropriate.
Bethenny reveals that this is the party where they were all supposed to wear a square of toilet paper, that she doesn't have a top on, and Kelly's vagina and Alex's ass cheeks are hanging out and it like a yard sale of body parts.
Jill tells one of the Eligible Bachelors that if he will stick his tongue down Sonja's throat maybe she will let him sit at her table. "Wow," he murmurs politely.
Bethenny announces her engagement. Jill reveals that it is very awkward because all these things are happening that she and Bethenny talked about laying in bed.
The Countess stifles a yawn.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Real Housewives of New York: Chihuahua Tongue Flashback and The Count is an Old Rake
In case we had forgotten about RHNY's contribution to the Most Revolting Moments In Television Hall of Ew, Jill promises her little chihuahua dog that if he cooperates with having his Halloween costume fitted, she will "let" him insert his tongue deep into her nose and lick it clean.
Mercifully, we were spared a repeat of Ms Zarin's preferred combination nasal hygiene and animal cruelty performance.
This week's real RHNY gossip was off-camera - according to reports, Count de Lesseps (who received his title as a result of an ancestor having arranged for some rich men to make some more money) has forsaken his erstwhile Countess Luann, who refers to herself as a "Native American from Connecticut," for Her Royal Highness Princess Kemeria Abajobir Abajifar of the ancient Gibe Kingdom in the land today popularly known as Ethiopia.
Luann, who distinguished herself on the show for expressing displeasure when Bethenny introduced her to a driver as "Luann," instead of "Countess de Lesseps," maybe ten minutes before a scene in which she is shown addressing catering staff by their first names, and hurling an especially ugly back-handed putdown at a ten year old girl who said she wanted to be a model when she grew up, and snort-sneering at another who aspired to be a baby-sitter, has written a book called "Class with the Countess."
Count and Countess are said to be currently "separated," but if they should divorce, will outraged readers demand that the publisher send them a new copy of the book with an updated title? Maybe "Class with the Ex-Countess," or "Class with a Native American from Connecticut?"
On the show, however, Luann goes shopping with her daughter, who, she says, enjoys "watching her (Luann) getting dressed in the dressing room." (WTF?)
She buys the daughter a black hoodie identical to one I got last week at Wal-Mart, except the daughter's has unsightly elbow patches. Mine cost $9.
I hope the Possibly Soon-to-be Ex-Countess didn't pay a whole lot extra for those patches.
After re-watching a few episodes, I have, upon reflection, come to the realization that Kelly, at least as she is depicted on the show, may be "troubled," and thus the only appropriate comment would be to express the sincere hope that she will seek and receive any help she may need.
Mercifully, we were spared a repeat of Ms Zarin's preferred combination nasal hygiene and animal cruelty performance.
This week's real RHNY gossip was off-camera - according to reports, Count de Lesseps (who received his title as a result of an ancestor having arranged for some rich men to make some more money) has forsaken his erstwhile Countess Luann, who refers to herself as a "Native American from Connecticut," for Her Royal Highness Princess Kemeria Abajobir Abajifar of the ancient Gibe Kingdom in the land today popularly known as Ethiopia.
Luann, who distinguished herself on the show for expressing displeasure when Bethenny introduced her to a driver as "Luann," instead of "Countess de Lesseps," maybe ten minutes before a scene in which she is shown addressing catering staff by their first names, and hurling an especially ugly back-handed putdown at a ten year old girl who said she wanted to be a model when she grew up, and snort-sneering at another who aspired to be a baby-sitter, has written a book called "Class with the Countess."
Count and Countess are said to be currently "separated," but if they should divorce, will outraged readers demand that the publisher send them a new copy of the book with an updated title? Maybe "Class with the Ex-Countess," or "Class with a Native American from Connecticut?"
On the show, however, Luann goes shopping with her daughter, who, she says, enjoys "watching her (Luann) getting dressed in the dressing room." (WTF?)
She buys the daughter a black hoodie identical to one I got last week at Wal-Mart, except the daughter's has unsightly elbow patches. Mine cost $9.
I hope the Possibly Soon-to-be Ex-Countess didn't pay a whole lot extra for those patches.
After re-watching a few episodes, I have, upon reflection, come to the realization that Kelly, at least as she is depicted on the show, may be "troubled," and thus the only appropriate comment would be to express the sincere hope that she will seek and receive any help she may need.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
