Gossip Girl: Writers Steal Bad Fanfic and CrossBreed with Twilight

I think this season, I'm just going to be a little less literal in terms of my Gossip Girl viewing, and just pick up where that semi-inspired but sad little sputter-start of a fanfic left off.

The writers, at least so far, are being at least semi-cooperative in terms of subtext, so no matter what you may think you saw, here's what really happened on tonight's episode, which is subtextually told in flashbacks as the past merges with the present.

Upon catching Chuck in his glittermarble arms as he was jumping from the building, Edward whisked him off to Thailand, where the Cullen family has taken up part-time residence when they're not in Forks.

There he was swiftly vampirized by Carlisle, whose intrepid dedication has resulted in this being a much more streamlined process, and instead of being a raging, incontrollable walking bag of unstoppable compulsions and urges, Chuck emerged from the process just a bit groggy, but with the help of nomad Uncle Jack, quick-study Chuck learns nomad skills and nomads back to New York for the first day of school, obviously not quite 100% yet (hash makes lousy joints, you really need a pipe).

Because Chuck is careful to stay in the shade, Blair doesn't see any actual sparkling, but she can tell that something is a little off, because when she looks into his eyes she can't see him anymore.

Then Blair has a panic attack but is luckily able to stop it by quickly stylemorphing into Emily Gilmore.

Before dreaming that it is she and not Edward Cullen who saves Chuck from his planned rooftop plunge, she gets really mad at the most prestigious Argyle Vest Enthusiast club in all New York, which she is hoping to join but will be unable to when her parentage is investigated and it is revealed that Dorota is secretly her biomom, which makes her ineligible, at least until it is revealed that Dorota is secretly the child of a member of a long-deposed Eastern European royal family (Romania, maybe? Hmmmm. Just sayin...) whereupon the fancy club will fall all over itself begging her and Blair to please please both join. And what hilarity will ensue when Nellie's inevitable and official not-quite-werewolfescence gets cranked up and she imprints on Uncle Jack, even though the rules on the Vampires Unite roleplaying board clearly states Absolutely no Vampire/Werewolf romances and even though Uncle Jack is discovering that Blair is his own special brand of heroin and he is totally going to tap that.

Meanwhile, somewhere, probably somewhere in Manhattan, an Immortal Child is on the loose. Well, an Immortal Teen, ostensibly the product of a moment of fervent youthful fumbling by Rufus and She who has now been revealed as now-Enemy Vampire Lily, but of course really created by her because all women want babies more than they want to breathe air, which Lily, being a vampire, only does recreationally anyway, and it is in that same spirit of primordial whimsy that she created the Immortal Child, whom Rufus has vowed to track down, because he thinks it is just a regular mortal child and he is the babydaddy because being a babydaddy is what he is all about.

While all this is going on, we suddenly notice that Lil' J is behaving very mysteriously, suddenly and for no apparent reason renouncing her life's ambition and her dreams of being a Famous Fashion Designer and the Toast of All the Runways of Paris, and decided instead that she wants to be a normal high school girl. She explains that this is because at the Snowflake Ball she felt 15 for a minute and liked it. Very mysterious, indeed.

What is unknown at this point is whether that crusty old dude we saw Serena tangoing with in Argentina made her a vampire during one of those dips. What we do know is that she has broken up with he who is now Blair's sketchy artist dude step-brother, and now wants to be Dan's girlfriend again, and teach him to do the tango.

Did Rufus arrive just in time to save Dan from being vampirized? Is Lil'J suddenly so concerned about Nellie's human rights being violated because she knows that Nellie is secretly a teenaged not-quite-werewolf and she wants to make a territorial agreement for the Upper West Side with her before Nellie surprises everyone, herself most of all, by fursploding? And shouldn't that happen at some sort of fancy dress ball specially given for the occasion by the Argyle Vest Enthusiast club or something?

And just exactly how dead is Bart, really? Or would it be more accurate to describe him as UNdead? Is he - could he be - Volturi? Chosen of course, for his Special Vampire Talent of being really creepy.