Real Housewives of New York: Chihuahua Tongue Flashback and The Count is an Old Rake

In case we had forgotten about RHNY's contribution to the Most Revolting Moments In Television Hall of Ew, Jill promises her little chihuahua dog that if he cooperates with having his Halloween costume fitted, she will "let" him insert his tongue deep into her nose and lick it clean.

Mercifully, we were spared a repeat of Ms Zarin's preferred combination nasal hygiene and animal cruelty performance.

This week's real RHNY gossip was off-camera - according to reports, Count de Lesseps (who received his title as a result of an ancestor having arranged for some rich men to make some more money) has forsaken his erstwhile Countess Luann, who refers to herself as a "Native American from Connecticut," for Her Royal Highness Princess Kemeria Abajobir Abajifar of the ancient Gibe Kingdom in the land today popularly known as Ethiopia.

Luann, who distinguished herself on the show for expressing displeasure when Bethenny introduced her to a driver as "Luann," instead of "Countess de Lesseps," maybe ten minutes before a scene in which she is shown addressing catering staff by their first names, and hurling an especially ugly back-handed putdown at a ten year old girl who said she wanted to be a model when she grew up, and snort-sneering at another who aspired to be a baby-sitter, has written a book called "Class with the Countess."

Count and Countess are said to be currently "separated," but if they should divorce, will outraged readers demand that the publisher send them a new copy of the book with an updated title? Maybe "Class with the Ex-Countess," or "Class with a Native American from Connecticut?"

On the show, however, Luann goes shopping with her daughter, who, she says, enjoys "watching her (Luann) getting dressed in the dressing room." (WTF?)

She buys the daughter a black hoodie identical to one I got last week at Wal-Mart, except the daughter's has unsightly elbow patches. Mine cost $9.

I hope the Possibly Soon-to-be Ex-Countess didn't pay a whole lot extra for those patches.

After re-watching a few episodes, I have, upon reflection, come to the realization that Kelly, at least as she is depicted on the show, may be "troubled," and thus the only appropriate comment would be to express the sincere hope that she will seek and receive any help she may need.

The Hills: El Mongol would have kicked Spencer's ass

OK, OK, I know this has already been mentioned, including by me. But come on. Is this going to go down in the Great Moments in Stupid Television or what?

The dude went into the bar with a camera crew. Releases were signed. Introductions were made, removing any possibility of Stacy-the-bartender not recognizing one of the two most over-exposed faces on the planet.

Next, we get Spencer ragging on Heidi about the appearance of her high school boyfriend at a restaurant outing with her parents in Colorado, where she had, in her anguish, fled, with a camera crew, for three whole days.

Said boyfriend appearance, it is only fair to note, was one of the stiffest and most awkwardly done scenes in the whole series. Darlene couldn't even keep a straight face, and boyfriend's fervent desire for the floor to open up and end it all right then was more audible than his mumbled lines.

Then, we have Heidi and Stephanie speculating about where Spencer may have gone. Hey, I know - ask the camera crew that's there with him! The ones that the crew that is there with you are texting and paging every five minutes about logistics and lunch as soon as we finish up the next scene.

OMG! They guessed right! Are they psychic? They know Spencer so well! He can't hide! And there he is with the Stacy the Smirking, that Charlie-who-is-a-bad-influence (How can anyone possibly be a "bad influence" on Spencer Pratt?) and a couple of random girls who, like Stacy, are like, all brunette and stuff, but still white, KWIM?

Spencer waits for his cue. You can't see his earbud, but you know it's there, and he listens, Bush-like, for instructions, for line.

Suddenly, there they are - Heidi, in full Donna Reed Wannabe Wronged Wife Face Mode. She's been practicing. Spencer is contemptuous-contemptible-tipsy-cavalier, Charlie carpes the diem for some face time, even profile, he better take what he can get, this is his Big Chance, Stacy Smirks, the random chicks smile randomly for the camera crew.

Next thing you know, we're back on the regular Hills set, a little table outside any cafe, and oh what a cliffhanger - the show ends with Heidi, as advised by Stephanie, giving Spencer An Ultimatum - Counseling or Else!

Could this be the End of the Greatest Love Story of All Time?

As if that weren't suspenseful enough, think about it from the point of view of viewers who have forgotten that taping for this season ended like around Christmas or something - TMZ has not done any Speidi segments for a whole week!

Fox has got your back, Adam.

When I was in the sixth or seventh grade, around 1963 or 4, I don't remember how the subject came up, but I remember that some kid said that the "wrestling" show slated for the weekend in a nearby city, headlined by El Mongol, was not "real." A short, stocky little girl with freckles and a porcine nose leapt up, and with tears streaming down a face flushed to an alarming shade of fuschia, began pounding the young heretic with plump, grimy little fists. "Take it back!" she sobbed, her squeaky voice hoarse with rage and for a second, I thought, something like fear.

I cannot hear the even the first notes of Natasha Beddingfield's anthem of hope and promise and excessive lip gloss without remembering that scene, as vividly as if it happened an hour ago.

So yes, Virginia, The Hills is real. Adam Divello is a real man. The releases are real. Lauren is real. Heidi, Spencer, their Great and Eternal Love, the camera crew, all real.

And so is The City. Whitney really does work at DVF. The show shoots there at least twice a week, and she receives a real paycheck for showing up there and doing her scenes.